She was sweet. She was artistic. She was beautiful. She was a joy to be around. Her name was Vera. And she was one of my sisters in rehab. I watched her grow and I watched her struggle. I watched her leave the program before her time. I hadn’t spoken to or seen her since she left, but there’s something special about someone you’ve spent a Christmas with, ya know?
Alcoholism took her from our world. Liver failure. She was so so young for something like that. But I am ever reminded that addiction is a DISEASE. Treatable, but not curable. And treatment is HARD. It’s REALLY hard for the true addict or alcoholic. It’s a deep search of the very thing many of us were trying to escape with our using. Addiction is a disease. Like cancer is a disease. Making friends in rehab is kind of like making friends in Chemotherapy.
Not everyone is going to make it.
It’s a hard and unavoidable truth. And the disease does not discriminate. I must never forget this.
It is times like these when I find it hard or difficult to believe that Hell exists somewhere outside of our own minds. I can’t believe that there is a Hell after death. I don’t remember if she believed in God or not or what kind of God she may have believed in. But I hope she’s somewhere wonderful. I know wherever it is, she’s free of the alcoholic demon that took her life. I have to believe that wherever she is, she has found peace.
R.I.P. Vera. You will be missed. My thoughts and prayers go out to your husband in this time.
5:45AM and I’m making a cup of coffee. Vince is already gone for work and Deklen is up. Usually when he gets up at this time, he’s up for at least an hour so it’s time for coffee. Last night he slept okay but the two nights before were hell- the baby waking up every hour. I come back to the bedroom with my coffee and yes! The baby is asleep again! Maybe I can lay down with him and get another hour of sleep! It’ll take a lot more than that to catch up, but I’ll take what I can get. Before I know it, my alarm has gone off. Snooze button. The alarm goes off again and I wonder if I had even gotten any more sleep. Before having the baby, I had nearly perfect attendance. I will have to admit though, since having him, I have taken a few days off; justifying to myself that “I’m too tired to drive and really should just stay home today.” Yesterday was one of these days and Deklen was up and active as ever while I tried to get things done. So I really had to make sure I got to program today. I fed the baby and got him dressed into a cute striped onsie: “Daddy’s Little Tiger” it says. And I get the matching pants on him with the cute tiger face on the butt and pull them onto him. I get myself dressed as Deklen continues to sleep, remembering that my favorite nursing shirt is clean and deciding to wear that and a pair of jeans. If I hadn’t taken the day to myself yesterday I could be sleeping with him right now. Oh well. That’s part of being a responsible adult and taking care of the things I was told to take care of when I got in trouble with the law. I look at the clock. We HAVE to be out of here by 8:15. I never get there on time if I leave any later. And it looks like we’re going to be on time. I’m too tired to deal with makeup, and my hair is doing it’s own natural wavy thing without being brushed so I’ll leave it. Time to grab Deklen and head out the door, but then I see him do this funny fidget thing that I’ve come to recognize before hearing the telltale sounds of a dirty diaper. Ok, a diaper change is going to set us back in time a little bit (especially because he’s wearing pants) but oh well, I’m not going to have him sitting in that. He cries a bit because he doesn’t really want to be jostled around by a diaper change while he’s trying to sleep. Must be nice… I guess he’s realizing there’s sleep to catch up on.
I carry him out to the car and just as I lift him off of my shoulder to put him in the car seat, I hear a burp which is accompanied by a warm and wet sensation that runs quickly from my neck down onto my clean/favorite shirt, and down my shirt. The spit up is also in my hair. The most I can do if I’m dedicated to being on time is to grab a burp cloth and wipe it up as best I can, knowing it won’t all come out of my hair that easily. Oh well. He sleeps through the car ride, and through program… nearly the whole time… Why couldn’t he have done this yesterday?? Or tomorrow (Saturday)?? We go to Babies R Us and I feed him again. He sleeps through the shopping, and the ride home.
I was accused of being “on strike” with housework after a few Walmart bags sat by the door for a couple days. So, getting some housecleaning done is a top priority before Vince gets home today…
On top of all that, my first draft of this post (which I feel was more well written than this one) was lost after 45 minutes of working on it.
The point of today’s story is that when I want sleep the most, Deklen fusses and demands all the attention and energy that I simply don’t have. And on a day when my schedule really doesn’t allow for a nap, he decides to catch up on lost sleep. ALL DAY LONG. I’m willing to bet that this is going to mean him being up throughout the night once again… This is the most trying responsibility I’ve ever had and still worth every moment.
My name is Destinye.. And I’m an addict. These are words spoken often as I attend 12 step meetings to maintain the healing and fixing that I have done for my past. And that kind of work is never over. I am 22 years old and I am an addict and an alcoholic whose sobriety date is June 1, 2013. Without my recovery, I lose everything- a fact I have come to terms with and a self realization that helps me stay safe within my own life on a daily basis and will work its way into my writings. But there is so much more to me than my past and my addictions, or the fact that I have a criminal background (my few run ins with the law are also a huge reason why I am here and sober today). I am now also a mother to the most healthy, beautiful little boy I have ever seen in my life. His name is Deklen Taylor Van Carter, and he’s 5 weeks old. I am in a relationship with his father and we live under the same roof in sunny southern California. I’m a stay-at-home mom who’s schedule revolves around outpatient treatment, 12 step meetings, taking care of my precious new creation, keeping a clean house, and all the while working to become the best woman and mother I can be. Writing has always been a passion of mine and one that I have neglected for far too long. I just plan to share the humor as well as the hardships of new motherhood in balance with my life in recovery.