What the f*** was I thinking

I thought looking like this was ok... The outside finally matched how sick and tired I felt on the inside.

I thought looking like this was ok… The outside finally matched how sick and tired I felt on the inside.

This blog was something I decided to do because I felt that it would be a healthy thing for me to do. It was something I decided to do because I love to write. It was something I decided to do because I wanted to share my experiences with others. And it was something that I forgot about for a while. Maybe I’ve been lazy. Or maybe I haven’t known what to say. But whatever the reason, I am still just trying to find a way to flow with this.

This entry may end up being a little all over the place, but it;s just where my head is at right now. My son’s 1st birthday is VERY quickly approaching on June 8th, and I’m having a hernia repair surgery shortly after that. And then I am on to just make whatever preparations I can to return to college for the Fall semester. These are all the major events that are up and coming and taking priority in my mind most days. I’m looking forward to returning to school SO MUCH, and I can not believe that my little boy entered this world an entire year ago. As for the surgery, I’m not so excited about that, but I’m excited to be getting it over with. And though these are such big things, they are big accomplishments. Oh! I almost forgot. June 1st marks my second year of sobriety. THAT is what makes all of these things so amazing to me.

A few years ago, I had dropped OUT of college, with no hope in the near future of returning. A few years ago, my body (I don’t believe) would have been capable of pregnancy, and if it had, or if I had had a baby, I would have not been allowed or able to care for it. Yet, I am an amazing mother to a person more wonderful than I could ever have imagined to exist. The hardships that can be known in life are yet unknown to him. And I can only hope as his mother, to show him that no matter what happens in life, there is always love and always hope… if you know where to look. I can only hope to be around a very long time to be someone he can turn to. I created this little life. So full of energy. He has new ideas and discovers new things every day. And he has HUMOR!! His laugh is the sweetest thing I have ever heard. And when I think of my life now… and it’s “normal” stresses/complications/whatever you want to call them, compared to what havoc wreaked my day to day (or rather the hour to hour I was trying to survive) life a couple years ago, I can’t help wondering “what the f*** was I thinking??”

I didn’t even do drugs like other addicts that I knew. They all knew how to party. They all had their own hustle. They could walk the streets and knew what they were doing. I think I just had a lot of pain. I had a lot of pain that had built up over years. I had no tools, no idea how to face these things. I had no self esteem. My lack of self worth made it impossible to thrive in any job and I easily gave up on everything. Instead of learning from my mistakes and growing from them, I took them as deep personal failures and would just quit. I had experienced deep loss relatively close to the time I found my love for crystal meth. There weren’t many “ups” or even nearly hopeful situations after I started using. There was no plateau even, in my drug use.. See, I tried my first line one day, and basically took a nose dive off the “deep end”. I didn’t use for a very long time (less than 2 years with meth specifically), but I just…. well I guess if you talked to anybody who spent time around me in those years, they would tell you that I just wasn’t GOOD at it. I couldn’t roam the streets without getting lost or into some VERY precarious situation.I couldn’t be on my own. I was often just a tag along to some chaos I wanted no part of. Honestly, I just wanted to get high, and write (or go “shopping” but that was NEVER a good idea) and that often wasn’t what happened when I basically put myself at the mercy of the “safety” of whatever company I kept. It was awful. Not fun. The situations I would get into with these people. They were just.. ridiculous. Stressful. Adventures. Not the fun kind of adventures… the furthest thing from it.

I went to jail TWICE. The first time was the result of attempting to shoplift a magnifying glass (tweaker stuff) while in possession of dope. And the other arrest was just a possession charge which happened because I was in the wrong part of town roaming around at somewhere close to 4am. Even since being a child, I just DON’T get away with things. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I knew if I wanted to even live long enough to keep using that these were things I needed to do. I just didn’t CARE.

I mean.. It’s past my bedtime here but I’ll just close with this. I was nearing death’s door by the time I went to detox, weighing in at 84 lbs (after having gained 12 lbs in jail) and I didn’t want to give up the drug. It was never the “lifestyle” that I was addicted to like so many people that I know. That part was RARELY fun for me. I was just trying to stay awake… Trying to escape things I didn’t want to face. But I guess after my short time dancing with the devil, I finally just got the hint. I never felt like I fit in growing up, but guess what? I didn’t fit in with the drug addicts either. I wasn’t “hardcore” like they were. I wasn’t into the “hustle and flow”. Someone still very close to me one day, while he nodded out on heroin, hurt my feelings when he asked me “what the f*** are you DOING?? Like… you don’t belong here… You being out there doing big things. You have so much potential.” I went to detox about a week later. There’s so much more that I can say on this subject, but I’ll save it for another time… It’s late here, and I know my son will be up early..

I’m just so grateful. I’ve found love for myself, and confidence I never thought I’d find. My life hasn’t been just a trail of screw ups like I had once known it to be. My life is a journey of lessons, beauty, love, and learning. I can’t wait to be back in school and headed down the path to (hopefully) being a school teacher with young children. I’m an asset to those I love now, rather than being a burden or a tragedy. I hold my family so dear to my heart. Life is a precious gift that I will not take for granted. Even if I ever have a fleeting moment of missing the high of when I used, all I have to do is think of what INEVITABLY comes with it and I laugh.. Like, “nope… not a chance. NOT even worth it.”

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